Your guide to visiting London

To commence the new year I am gonna head out of the country for a few days. I’'m off to Brussels (via Eurostar) for a couple of days to enjoy the Belgian beer that a culture vulture like me would enjoy, then from there I’m heading off to Amsterdam for more culture and a bit of rumpy-pumpy.

Not everyone knows how to enjoy themselves in unfamiliar places so if you happen to be a non-Londoner intending to visit London there are few things you need to need to be prepared for. It doesn't matter where you are coming from, Paris, Berlin, Barcelona or Leicester. If you are coming for the first time you need to be mentally prepared.

Top 10 Tips

1. Do not ever smile at random strangers on the underground or bus. You will find yourself posed with a question of similar ilk to: “You got a problem $h!t face?”
2. Do not start conversations with random people on the train. Londoners are gloomy people and don’t like being talked to – I think they are stuck up their own asses.
3. So one day you see a guy walking with a limp, wearing extra baggy trousers that are about to fall off, wearing a cap inside out and a bandana scarf around his kneecap. Do not ask him if he needs assistance to cross the road for, as much as he may seem, he is not a disabled retard. He is an idiot influenced by gang culture and a desire to be a bigger loser than he already is.
4. If you see a mugging, murder or accident take place and notice that nobody in the surrounding vicinity of said event cares do not be alarmed. Londoners are very sensitive to privacy and do not want to get involved in somebody’s misfortune. If you see a man laying on the street having a heart attack simply sidestep and walk on. If he tries to cling to you shake him off.
5. Do not be alarmed by aggressive cyclists in pollution masks, you get used to the kuntz.
6. If you are thinking of driving about I urge you to reconsider, you will never find parking space and the roundabouts and traffic will drive you bonkers.
   
7. Watch out for the dog poo! It’s everywhere.
8. Stay away from Yates in Leicester Square; you’ll only find munters there.
9. London is a multi-cultural place. Do not shout and point at any veil-wearing arab lady you see on the train, this is England not France!
10. Always carry a bloody umbrella.
    

Now you are ready to visit London.